Sometimes we can avoid talking about sensitive subjects because we fear it might be awkward, difficult, or even stressful. However, it’s always better to be proactive and have the talk!
Why is it important to talk to your kids about pornography?
Youth are being exposed to pornography at younger and younger ages.
According to a 2022 report from Common Sense Media, 15% of teens surveyed said they first viewed pornography at age 10 or younger. The average age that youth self-reported being exposed to online pornography was 12 years old. Both accidentally and on purpose, pornography is readily available at the click of a link or a swipe on the phone. The majority (51%) of teens surveyed said they “accidentally encountered pornography via clicking a link, a search engine result, an online ad, or on social media in some way.”
Potential Harms and Risks
Research regarding the influences of pornography on young people highlights potential negative outcomes. These concerning impacts can include:
- Aggression, anxiety, depression
- Dangerous sexual behaviors
- Interpersonal relationship problems
- Normalization of sexual objectification
Many youth also report learning about sex from pornography.
But what are they learning? Is this information accurate and healthy? Some teens believe pornography accurately shows sex or gives them helpful information, which can create a distorted perception of sex and result in youth mimicking what they’ve seen or acting out dangerous behaviors with other youth.
According to a 2023 article in the Journal of Psychosexual Health, “exposure at a younger age makes individuals receptive to watching coercive or violent porn.” More than half of the teens surveyed in Common Sense Media’s 2022 report said they had seen violent and/or aggressive pornography—including depictions of what appeared to be rape, choking, or someone in pain. The increased availability and prevalence of pornography online only makes these concerns about the potential harms and risks more relevant.
We don’t want to parents to panic. We want everyone to be informed to make healthy online choices.
The reality is youth can now easily access pornography on any device connected to the internet.
Searching for people’s names, misspelling words (mistakenly or intentionally such as p0rn or seggs), or even using emojis (like a peach or raindrops) can all lead to youth being exposed to pornography. This happens even on “mainstream” platforms like Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Reddit, TikTok, Twitter, and YouTube. Streaming services like Hulu, Max, and Netflix also include explicit adult content.
Reducing Exposure
If you utilize parental controls or monitoring tools, it’s still very likely that pornography or other inappropriate content will slip through filters. For parents or caregivers who are interested in researching what’s available, check out our Parental Controls and Monitoring Tools resource—listing the pros and cons of the most popular platforms to help manage children’s devices.
If you use these tools, we recommend being transparent with your children. Explaining your reasoning can help establish your expectations. It’s not about invading their privacy. It’s about protecting them.
You can also review our list of Apps To Be Aware Of to better understand the risks of certain apps and dangerous ways they’re commonly used. For streaming services, most platforms provide an option to create a profile for children with the ability to set a code to help prevent access to other account profiles. Some services also allow users to select the ratings that their child can view.
Although technology can be a supplement, there is no replacement for your time, attention, and support.
Let’s Talk!
We want you to be your child’s go-to person. Whenever they have an issue or encounter a challenge, we want them to turn to you—not a device. Ongoing, open communication is an essential part of supporting youth.
We need to make it safe and normalize talking about difficult topics like pornography.
While it might be unlikely, your child might even initiate the conversation. If your child tells you about looking at pornography, it’s important to remain calm and positive. Remember, it’s normal developmentally for them to be curious about sex and their bodies. Allow them to ask questions and lead the conversation.
Avoid language that’s judgmental or shaming. Honor their feelings and listen. It’s also important to pay attention to your body language, facial expressions, and how you react. If they were accidentally exposed to pornography, remind them that it isn’t their fault. Thank them for telling you!
You can also prepare youth how to respond if they accidentally access pornography or other inappropriate content. If they see anything that makes them feel confused, uncomfortable, or unsafe, they can use the “back” button on the internet browser, exit out of their device, or simply turn off the screen. Encouraging them to tell you or another safe adult is a great step too—especially for help reporting content.
If your child hasn’t told you but you know they’ve viewed pornography or searched for adult content, reassure them and use open-ended questions to better understand what support they might need. You can say, “I saw you were looking at a video on social media where someone exposed their private parts. Can you tell me how that happened? How did that make you feel?” This can also be a learning opportunity where you address that kind of video isn’t good for children. Let them know they can always talk to you without judgement or shame about anything that makes them feel confused, uncomfortable, or unsafe.
Establishing a sense of trust between parents and youth can have an immensely positive impact on a child’s resilience and how they respond to difficult circumstances. Develop a foundation of healthy communication by beginning these conversations early and building off them as children grow older. The word “porn” doesn’t even need to be included when having these discussions with young children. For additional advice on how to initiate these conversations with younger children, check out Protect Young Eyes’ blog post.
Role of Safe, Trusted Adults
Believe it or not, youth want to be able to talk to their parents or caregivers about anything—even a difficult topic like pornography. They’re likely ready to handle these conversations earlier than you might anticipate.
It’s also never too late to have these supportive conversations. According to Common Sense Media’s 2022 report, “Many teens indicated that they wish they could have conversations about their experiences with online pornography with a trusted adult, but either felt they did not know how to initiate that conversation (39%) or did not know who to turn to (34%).” Among those surveyed, 71% said the conversations “made them feel like there are helpful resources other than pornography to explore sex or their sexuality.”
Accept that the conversation might be brief or feel awkward. When initiating the conversation, stay focused on the positives and approach the subject from an angle of curiosity. Encourage critical thinking by asking questions about different situations portrayed in TV or movies.
If you want to set the tone of a more serious conversation, parents can establish a code or safe word. These conversations don’t need to be difficult or scary though. Whether it’s during a car ride, eating dinner, or playing a game as a family, there are ways to normalize discussing difficult topics. Use it as an opportunity to also talk about body safety, boundaries, consent, and healthy relationships.
Additional Resources
It’s Time We Talked is a beneficial resource for parents and caregivers with conversation guides about pornography. Educate and Empower Kids also a helpful book, How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography, for how to approach these discussions with younger kids and teens. Additional tools, resources, and trainings are available for parents on iRespect&Protect. Check back in with our blog for more information about online safety and parenting in the digital age. We’re a resource to help families support their children in navigating challenges, making healthy choices, and developing relationships that are safe and respectful.
You can also register for FREE to attend our virtual Let’s Talk! training this week in English on July 19th or in Spanish on July 20th to further explore how to talk to your children about difficult topics.
View our Calendar and Register for a FREE Virtual Training!
Sources
https://www.screenagersmovie.com/blog/its-everywhere-online-but-nobody-is-talking-about-it
https://www.screenagersmovie.com/blog/porn-teach-about-it-or-not
https://www.cyberwise.org/post/kids-and-online-pornography-what-parents-need-to-know
https://protectyoungeyes.com/10-before-10-time-to-make-porn-a-normal-talk/
https://protectyoungeyes.com/how-to-talk-to-a-5-year-old-about-porn/
https://www.commonsensemedia.org/articles/what-to-do-if-your-young-child-sees-pornography
https://www.commonsensemedia.org/articles/talking-with-teens-and-preteens-about-pornography
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/epub/10.1177/26318318231153984
https://itstimewetalked.podia.com/parent-resources
https://educateempowerkids.org/new-book-simplifies-porn-coversations/